A few years ago I wrote a song called “Where I’ve Been”. I never did anything with it, recorded it or anything but it’s about finding yourself, your inner beauty, learning from the past and overcoming your demons and looking forward to the future. The lyrics start out: “My Head is reeling. These thoughts are flowing in. I’m trying to find a way to voice my feelings, once again. Because the words escape me, it’s not easy for me to say…but where I’ve been has brought me to the place I am today.”
One of these days, I’ll record a little scratch track and share it with you.
It’s been rolling around my head this week as I look for the words to articulate what’s in my head.
I’ve felt a little lost and unsettled regarding my fitness for a few months. I’ve been self aware enough to acknowledge that my body and mind need some recovery from intense training. I’ve had some really big amazing years of running and fitness. I’ve been full steam ahead since 2013. It finally caught up to me this past fall when I had a little breakdown mid-marathon at Big Cottonwood.
Since then, I’ve been trying to allow myself some recovery while trying to maintain my fitness, rebalance my life with my family and my job(s) and figure out what’s next for me.
When you’re in the mindset of pursuing big bad goals constantly, it’s more than a little unsettling to focus on pulling back instead. I have felt lost. Depressed, even. Depression led to exhaustion, lack of motivation and while I was still running and hitting the gym my heart just wasn’t in it anymore. I kept feeling like what’s the point if I’m not training to get faster or stronger?
What I’ve learned is that it’s ok. It doesn’t haven’t to be about chasing PRs or losing 10 lbs, or getting a six pack or losing inches. Those are really awesome goals! But, fitness can be other things too.
It can be about gaining energy, finding joy, reconnecting with the Spirit, overcoming trials, being healthy.
For me, I find so much joy in running. I find the most freedom, answers to my worries when I just go by feel and fly. I feel amazing after a good lifting session where I can listen to my body and know my limits without thinking about the numbers.
I can root from the sidelines for my friends who are chasing PRs and training for marathons, and be thrilled for them without training with them. I can encourage and motivate my clients at the gym without going all out in 5 days classes a day.
I can feed my body healthy food because I’m craving it or because I’m aware of what it needs and I can eat ice cream guilt free because life is meant to be enjoyed.
I am finally at peace with where I am in my fitness. Extra lbs, slower miles, shorter workouts. I’m happy here. For now.